


i can't live here anymore

by ekwadoritte



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, boo starclan, feathertail namely, he's sad and angry, mostly - Freeform, mostly angry though, ok i lied just a little, stormfur says Rocks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24240556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ekwadoritte/pseuds/ekwadoritte
Summary: The last time he was here, he was having a staring match with his sister."Think about what you'redoing," he had hissed then, disbelief and outrage written all over his face. "You're trusting a dream! A nighttime illusion!""You don'tunderstand," Feathertail had snarled. "Ihaveto go, Stormfur, I- I justknowI do!"Stormfur had snapped his jaws shut."You don't have to come," she had whispered, small and uncertain, for change. "Just- please don't tell.I have to do this, Storm."Okay, he had said.I'm going with you, he had said.And then she died, leaving him with the weight on his shoulders alone.Stormfur returns to RiverClan.(title fromi can't live here anymoreby daughter)
Relationships: Stormfur (Warriors) & Other(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	i can't live here anymore

**Author's Note:**

> i like pain that's why i wrote this fic
> 
> (PLEASE read the end notes before commenting ok thanks))

It's a windless day.

Stormfur stares at the Twoleg bridge a few tail-lengths from him and he doesn't feel anything.

He should be happy. Scared. Uncertain, maybe, he- he doesn't _care_ , to be frank.

It's just another thing that _happens_. Like the days blending into nights and nights into days, like his surroundings changing when he walks, like rain and cold and sunshine.

He's back. _Whatever_. He's back but what does he _care_ , what does it _freaking give him_.

It's not like he's got anyone to push forward for, anymore.

* * *

So what if there is no wind. So what if there is no anything, look at Stormfur, StarClan, look _at him_ \- he doesn't give one _fishtail_ about what happens to him now.

Strike him with a lightning bolt, or something. Get a fox to rip him to shreds. A snake to bite him. _Screw life_. He doesn't _need_ life anyways.

Maybe he could leave. Maybe he could- _leave_ , and the others would carry the message on so that he wouldn't have to look his mom in the eyes-

_Oh stars._

What would his mom _say_? if she saw him, alone, with matted fur, dull eyes and an- an _attitude_ like that. A wild thing. A bitter thing.

A broken thing.

She raised him to be strong. Face the consequences, the challenges and the obstacles thrown at him head-on, with his chin raised proudly, shoulders squared-

When he was younger, Stormfur wanted to be like his mom.

Because that's exactly the way she was. Strong and resilient. Unbreakable, reliable, a high-achiever, who commanded respect without trying.

His mom was beautiful in her quiet firmness.

Stormfur is, by no means, beautiful in his chaos, shambles and shards of what has once been his _okay_ cluttering the ground.

* * *

It's not until he walks by a tree trunk he and Heavystep used to race to when the realization hits him, surprising and making him _stop_ , stare at the log in bewilderment.

_Nothing's really changed_.

For RiverClan, it's as if not a _thing_ happened out of place. The river's still flowing. The birds are still singing. Heck, Stormfur'd go as far as to say that _border skirmishes_ are still a thing, trivial arguments over prey and territory.

Stormfur doesn't belong here, not really. Not anymore. Not ever since he left and lost his spot and threw it all away just to follow his sister.

And then he managed to lose her, too.

Because's he's stupid like that.

Ha.

It's quiet, too quiet probably, since there should be patrols near the WindClan border, but. He saw what those moorcats look like now.

Were he the leader, he wouldn't waste time on checking on them, too.

Yeah, it's probably that.

He doesn't want to think about the other possibilities.

(that RiverClan itself is too damaged to care about that)

(that everyone's just as scrawny and tired as the Windclanners are)

(that they're afraid to eat, to go out, that some have died already)

* * *

(that his mom and friends are among those unfortunate ones)

* * *

Stormfur knows he's already mentioned that, but let him rephrase: nothing's really changed, delete the period, and it _really_ gets on his nerves.

Like, it _should've_. Feathertail and he, they were _gone_. You'd think it would have a _slightly_ bigger impact on the world than it did.

Or maybe he's just being petty.

Because, thinking about it logically, there are no fireworks whenever a queens kits or a warrior dies on the battlefield.

They probably don't even _want_ him back.

He stumbles on a tree root, then struggles to regain his balance. Sucks in a sharp breath. Ignores the way his heart stutters at the realization.

Life is a very delicate balance and he and Feathertail, they _crushed it._ Left the circle and made everyone scramble at each other in panic, trying to fill the void in their place.

If RiverClan looks like- _that_ , then they must've succeeded.

Now, he'll be an _addition_ , a fifth wheel they'll have to make place for again - and it'll _hurt_ , because his disappearance hurt them already and now he'll be _back_ and-

_Calm down_ , he scolds himself angrily in his head. _It's not like they'll tell you to get_ lost.

_Well of_ course _they won't_ , another part of his mind pipes up, offended. _They're_ good _cats. They'll be_ nice _and_ accepting _, but- deal with it: you're basically a stranger to them at this point. For them, it'll be like welcoming a loner or a rogue._

_I_ am _a loner_ , Stormfur corrects it, cold fear settling in his stomach with this knowledge.

_Exactly,_ the voice presses, annoyed.

That's the moment when Stormfur decides, he won't stay.

His heart pangs; but he knows that - without Feathertail, after such a long time apart - it'd be too painful. It'd be too _hard._

He doesn't want to be the elephant in the room, either, after all.

* * *

Just like in front of the bridge, before he makes his way into the camp, Stormfur pauses.

Should he... make a speech, or something?

Unease curls in his stomach. _Feathertail would know what to do_. She had such a sweet way of going at things, she'd make a good mediator if-

_If._

That's all life's ever been, hasn't it? Took him long enough to get it.

_If_ he stayed. _If_ she was here. _If_ they knew.

_If_ life wasn't such a dick.

It's full of _if_ s and _had something (not) happened_ s and it has a funny way of dumping you into the worst of those scenarios, the ones so cruel, you would've never imagined they just might become your reality.

Honestly, he feels kinda bad, delivering these news.

_Hey, you've gotta evacuate, 'cause your home's gonna get wrecked. Also, look, I'm actually alive!! Only me, though, sorry. Wanna hear about a cat cult we'll stop by on our way?_

StarClan.

Or you know what, if StarClan let _this shit_ happen? It doesn't deserve his faith. He's gonna resolutely ignore it. Miss out on the afterlife that way, too, but. Mom said not to give in to the bullies.

_Rocks._

That's his god, now.

It's oddly satisfying, pissing his ancestors off. Crowpaw must be rubbing off at him.

Maybe he could join WindClan after it all quiets down, or something.

Back to his speech.

He could start with... greetings. _Greetings, I mean no harm. My name is Stormfur_ \- no, no, that's- that's so formal, sta- ROCKS. _I have an important message for Leopardstar and I wish to speak with her, please-_

...or perhaps the best way would be to just wing it.

Or scream "DON'T ATTACK ME, I'M ONE OF YOU", even though that's kind of a lie right now.

Why did he think it was a good idea to tell them by himself, again? Decency? _Honour_? Past Stormfur was a stupid hoe.

"You ready, Feathertail?" he murmurs to no-one at all.

Imagines her nodding sharply, stepping closer to him and twining their tails. Saying _as long as you are_.

A smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. "Same."

Silence.

_It'll be okay_ , imaginary-Feathertail meows quietly. _Don't overthink it_.

Stormfur lets out a heavy breath through his nose. "Yeah, you're right. Let's get this over with."

And he steps forward.

**Author's Note:**

> okay so let me clear some things up
> 
> 1) mosspelt is named mossfeather here and _she's_ the one stormfur refers to as "mom". not silverstream. silverstream's dead, guys, he should be attached to his foster momma more. hide your knives it's a personal opinion jeez
> 
> 2) i'm ignoring canon so stormfur didn't go to thunderclan with bramble and squirrel to tell his dad that his kid is dead, he's still not ready to acknowledge it verbally. he doesn't deserve the kind of pain i'm about to serve him but it's realistic
> 
> 3) yeah i published this fic before already but i had to angst it up a bit so here you go. hope you're ready for the ride
> 
> 4) if you want to comment please comment i beg you it gives me life. i'm on my knees asking for comments because i'm a teenager writing about fighting grieving cats and i need reassurance that it's not fucking weird


End file.
